plan z

Have you ever thought about your ideal life? If you went to high school, you probably got some sort of speech from a guidance counselor or similar person about "discovering your destiny." Or, as my mother would say, "Find what you love to do and then find a way to get paid for it."

But, how often does one fantasize about the worst-case scenario life? Unless you are eternally pessimistic, probably not very often!

Per the inspiration of the amazing Unicorns for Socialism, I offer my Plan Z. As she defines it, "The end of the road. The point of no return. The bottomest bottom. The lowest low. The pit of despair. EPIC. FAILURE."

My Z begins with my living in Michigan's Upper Peninsula and not being able to afford a winter coat. Seeing as car insurance would be too expensive, I would live on my bike. I would be forced to sleep in dumpsters, with the trash keeping me warm. I would have only two outfits: cutoffs and a t-shirt for summer, a floor-length wool dress for winter (heinous!). Having lost my resume and portfolio in the snow, I would have to take a midnight shift at Walmart in the stock room (bonus: a warm place to be at night!). When I wasn't working, I would entertain myself talking to the little animals that live in my dumpster and convince them that if they have enough ambition, they might be able to be as successful as that rat from Disney's Ratatouille. The only alcohol I'd be able to afford would be the communion wine at the local church. Church would also be my place to bathe: I'd find the ones that do full-body submersion for baptisms and request a conversion. Luckily, I'd be able to use my Walmart employee discount to maximize my welfare check to buy saltines and store-brand peanut butter for dinner.

So, do I plan to pursue this? Not exactly. But, knowing that I'd still find a way to eat, work, and keep warm, failure doesn't seem quite so horrible...

Besides, I hear that store-brand peanut butter isn't too bad.